The Shape of Your Heart
by sharpshooting
Summary: the hole in your heart is shaped like her; you just don't realize it yet. F/R.


_One;_

The hole in your heart is shaped like her. You just don't realize it yet.

She stands by your locker, unafraid, looking determined, and you're freaked out because you don't know how else to feel. Quinn walks by. She says something funny, but you don't remember what it was. Come to think of it, you don't remember much of your life before she entered it.

"You can't keep worrying about what people think Finn. You're better than all of them_._" A slight, nervous smile pulls at her lips, and yeah, you remember that.

You woke up. God, please don't fall back asleep.

* * *

><p><em>Two;<em>

She's not as ugly as Quinn says she is. She whispers, "God, she's such a tranny," into your ear at Celibacy Club religiously. You looked up what it meant, and were inclined to agree until the lights hit her face and reflected off her hair.

You like the way she moves underneath you. Your hand at her side. She fits directly under your chin, almost like she's sized exactly for you. You think that's pretty cool. She's swaying to the beat, and you've never felt more alive in your life.

"_Don't stop, Beli-i-i-e-e-vennnnn, Hold on to that f-eeee-linnnnn."_

You wish you could hold onto this feeling forever, and when the music starts, you want to shout, "Again!"

* * *

><p><em>Three;<em>

She's not ugly at all.

And after 'Push it' you've though about kissing her. All you can do is think about kissing her. Just to see what it would be like.

Opportunity knocks.

"_I want to_." You're not lying.

You want to be really careful not to blow this one. Her eyes are really big and expressive, the opposite of Quinn's narrow, calming ones. Everything about her is a tidal wave. She's hitting you full force. You kiss her once, and you feel...refreshed. You pull yourself away and stare at her for just a short second. She looks just as afraid as you do. You kiss her again, and you feel...wet?

_Oh. _

Everything comes crashing down soon enough.

* * *

><p><em>Four;<em>

You just want to be special. You want to be good like her.

* * *

><p><em>Five;<em>

You can't be special though. Quinn's been riding you, not in the dirty way, to stop spending time with her. That's why it surprises you when she shows up in Glee club with Santana and Brittany.

"I just want to be there for you sweetie," she says, rubbing up and down your arm. You shoot her a huge smile. It's nice that she's come around.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see her. She looks fine. Something's not right though. You can guess why.

It freaks you out that you've known her for two weeks and you can already tell what she's thinking.

* * *

><p><em>Six;<em>

"I'm pregnant."

You don't know why, while trying to calm Quinn down (and calm yourself down, to be honest), an image of _her_ pops into your brain.

* * *

><p><em>Seven;<em>

You have to stop thinking about her.

You tell yourself that Quinn is the girl for you. She's having your baby after all. You need to make her proud. You need to make everyone proud.

* * *

><p><em>Eight;<em>

You feel even worse because you know that that kiss was real.

Then you feel like, maybe it's for the better that she left you alone. She's too good for you. She's too good for everyone in Glee club.

* * *

><p><em>Nine;<em>

_"Can anybody find me-e-e-eee, somebody to-o-ooo love?"_

The dark blue and violet tones make everything feel so real. She's reaching out for you, and you're reminded of "Don't Stop." It's better though because you realize how much you love to watch her sing. Maybe they could go karaoke sometime. The last time he did that was in the sixth grade, and from that point on he thought it was kind of lame, but maybe, just to spend some extra time with her. Maybe he and Quinn and Rachel and Kurt could all go together. Maybe. Maybe if things worked that way.

Things do work that way. You just don't realize it yet.

* * *

><p><em>Ten;<em>

She's your sunshine.

Quinn's been telling you about how she's starting to show, and you told her that all it looks like is that she had a big lunch. She storms off in a huff, and it's like you have a constant foot-in-mouth syndrome with her. But with Rachel it's different. You're hopped up on ..._something_ and she doesn't judge you.

You stare at her. There are three cheerios around her dancing in super short dresses and you're staring at her . You notice that you've been doing that a lot lately. You hope no one notices.

All you know is, you don't want to lose her anytime soon.

* * *

><p><em>Eleven;<em>

"You're staring at her." Quinn whispers during Glee.

"What?"

"You are. You always are."

At least she knows.

"Are you going to break up with me?"

"Just try and make it less obvious."

She sets her binder down and goes to dance with Santana and Brittany. Maybe "No Air" wasn't the best way to follow her directions.

* * *

><p><em>Twelve;<em>

"Sometimes I wish you were a little more like Rachel!"

Probably not the best way to follow her directions either. You watch her steely expression falter in front of you. You don't know that she was headed to the nearest bathroom stall to cry. You don't know that she cries a lot. A lot more often than most people. You don't know that you'll never be enough for her. But at this point, you really don't know why you even bother to try.

She puts a hand on her stomach in Glee club after the secret is out, and then you remember.

* * *

><p><em>Thirteen;<em>

You make a pact. With yourself.

Quinn. Quinn. Quinn.

* * *

><p><em>Fourteen;<em>

She's dating Puckerman.

There's one more thing you don't understand.

_"Sw-e-e-eeet Caro-lineee..."_

What an assbag.

* * *

><p><em>Fifteen;<em>

"I like you."

You let yourself fall again.

It's weird. It's like she's like this seductress that you're trying to escape. It was the type of thing you saw in all those old movies you watched. You never thought it would happen to you. You never thought it would be her.

A smile forms on her lips. It isn't her usual one. Toothy and enthusiastic. It's a shy one. You stare at her. You feel like kissing her again. Maybe, if you did...

Quinn barges in, and she snaps back into reality faster than you do.

* * *

><p><em>Sixteen;<em>

She always goes above and beyond for you. You said you liked her. She got you a job.

You wish, just once, you could go above and beyond for her.

* * *

><p><em>Seventeen;<em>

Quinn says she wants you to meet her parents.

You need to start acting serious.

Maybe, "You're Having My Baby" wasn't the best way to do that.

You feel like a massive screw-up these days. Your Mom invites her into her home, and you smile and thank her with your life, because you need to protect Quinn and the baby. It's your one job. It's the one thing you can't screw up. After your mom leaves, you hug Quinn. You just stand there and envelope her into your arms. "Everything will be okay, I promise."

She sleeps on the bed, and you sleep on the couch, and her soft sobs keep you from falling asleep and dreaming of a place where none of this ever happened.

_'You can't screw this up Hudson. You can't.'_

Rachel can wait. You don't know how long. But she can.

* * *

><p><em>Eighteen;<em>

What's the worst that could happen if she helps you? Hairography is..._important. _For sure.

She steps out of the door in this...catwoman suit, and you've forgotten just how crazy she actually is. She's singing the song that they sang when they first met, and, to be honest, that doesn't make it any better.

"Stop."

Sure, you said clown hooker, (foot-in-mouth syndrome for sure) but something inside you snapped. She's too special to sell herself short like this. She's not Santana or Brittany. She's Rachel. And the fact that she can look hot like this isn't what's really great about her. You...you have to get out.

The next day you apologize to Quinn, even though you have nothing to apologize for. You hug her again. You like to hug her because you feel the closest to her that way.

"_I love you._"

You ignore Rachel when she walks by. It's not as if you didn't see her.

* * *

><p><em>Nineteen;<em>

Dave Karofsky is a jerk.

It doesn't mean he isn't right.

You talk with Quinn a lot more than you used to. She tells you things like, "I love you, but you need to stop being so naive about things." Or, "I love you, but glee club is for freaks, and losers. We may look like that on the outside, but we're not on the inside."

You put down the remote control. "Does that mean we have to quit Glee?"

"Soon enough. Probably after sectionals."

You look down. She lays down next to you on the bed. "Look. If we want things to go back to the way they were, we need to take the first step." She plays with your hair absent-mindedly.

That's all you want. For things to go back to the way they were.

So you ignore every other voice in your head and leave her there.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty;<em>

That's your fucking problem. You listen to everyone. You trust everyone.

How could she even think that he would be stupid enough to buy it? How did he even believe it? How did this happen? How?

The worst part is, you lost the one person you were absolutely sure you loved.

She's Puck's. Fucking Puck's. What did he ever do to deserve anything? Why did have to take everything from you?

"I'm done with all of you."

You just want to transfer schools at this point.

* * *

><p><em>Twenty-One;<em>

You realize soon enough, that _you can't always get what you want._

While dancing with Rachel on stage, you feel the freest you've felt in the longest time.

But it's not that simple. She plays with her hands nervously, as they announce the results, and when they win, she hugs you. Her tiny arms sling themselves around your shoulders. And it feels right. But then you feel Quinn's presence. She's standing there, watching while the others walk past her.

_It's not that simple_.


End file.
